The one who guards his mouth and tongue keeps himself out of trouble ~ Proverbs 13:3, Christian Standard Bible
Based on my observations–recent, distant, and in between–a lot of us are in trouble. It isn’t necessarily that we want to appear adversarial; it’s that we do appear adversarial. No, not always. But sometimes a topic sets us off emotionally, and we don’t hold back. When we release the torrent, do we expect to change someone’s mind? Score points? Put someone in his/her place? Or is it perhaps simply venting? How we communicate will tell the recipient whether we own our emotions or if they own us, in general. Methods can impact results, and that’s where I’m headed with this post.
Texts
Do not take this as a slam on texting. It’s simply the best for quick questions and responses: “Did you remember to pick up the dry cleaning?” “What time do you expect to get home?” Closed-ended, not confrontational, I-don’t-have-an-agenda chats. Texts are not the best choice for complicated or lengthy messages. There are three issues I can think of off the top of my head that can create chaos:
- Spell-check, though the results can be funny, depending on circumstances.
- Inability to undo. Some phones provide that option; others do not. Once it’s gone, it’s said.
- Electronic tone, and I’m not talking about one you hear. It’s more about what comes across. What you meant as witty or whimsical can fall flat, or worse.
- Body language, as in, the recipient can’t possibly read yours.
Sadly, texting is not the only communication method that dispenses more headaches than it cures.
Emails
People generally give more thought to what they’re typing in an email than in a text. Maybe they even re-read it, but that is not always the case. I recall writing a handful of emails that probably should have sat in draft mode overnight, reconsidered the next morning, then deleted. It took me years, but I finally began to take my own advice and ditched the habit of responding immediately to news that lit me up. Well, the business emails, anyway. The more I felt superior in an opinion I held, and the more emotional I was, the less I needed to hit Send. Decisions and emails made in the heat of the moment are subject to emotional distortion.
While we do not always have the luxury of time—and when a phone call might worsen the situation—circumstances demand that time be taken to review emails before sending. Perhaps reading them out loud as though we are the recipients would give us a feel for the recipients’ reactions.
Handwritten letters
Oh, those treasured missives. It’s true that once they’re gone, they’re gone. But they aren’t the same, are they? How many times have you handwritten a scathing note? Probably not often. Letter-writing is typically an effort reserved for wooing, persuading, or asking forgiveness. They land on the side of honey, not vinegar. No need for a retraction.
Apart from that, though, cursive handwriting engages your entire brain in a way that typing does not. If this sounds familiar, you read my post from April 17, 2025. If it doesn’t ring a bell, you might want to read it. Good stuff. Since your full three pounds of gray cells are engaged when writing like a big person, you are more likely to sound like one as well.
And in Closing
Full disclosure: this is one of those occasions where I know the right way to do things, but execution is still a work in progress. That is, I’m not preaching to the choir, but to myself, and I’m not including half of what of my sermon to myself should be. If I launched a rant about the miscommunications I’ve received—or caused—through poor judgment, this post would take on the length and weight of a Victor Hugo novel. So I’ll stop while I’m ahead. Maybe I can make that a habit in future conversations, especially the digital variety.
I definitely need to follow your advice on waiting a period of time before responding to an issue that angers me.
I think that is the problem or the crutch with texting vs verbal communication. We feel
Less vulnerable or even emboldened by text. There is no personal feedback. For this reason I strive to never communicate a controversial issue via text or Facebook or whatever social
Media empowers me to say things I wouldn’t say in person.
Lastly , a spiritual axiom I learned long ago, “ Whenever I am
Disturbed by something or someone, I am
Wrong.” In other words if I am set off , lit up Whatever the term, that is emotional baggage that I have brought in to the dance. I need to examine my fear or why I brought this energy before I respond. Otherwise my answer is reaction not action.
Walt – For sure, I need to be less quick on the trigger in responding to a light-up, but I’m not necessarily in agreement on the “it’s all my fault” if I get my feelings hurt or have negative energy. Let’s talk about that the next chance we get.