You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. ~Jim Rohn
I’m not sure that’s the right number, but there’s a clear correlation. It is impossible to work, volunteer, or attend church with people repeatedly and manage to keep your original self intact. I’m not saying your–or my–original self is perfect as is. I’m simply proposing that change is a natural outcome of exposure to others, and making choices–wise or otherwise–impacts the trajectory of our lives.
What Should You Look For?
While I could give this a shot, I decided to find someone with heavy credibility in multiple areas. Here’s what Tony Dungy had to say about choosing friends in an All Pro Dad article.
- Select your friends based on shared values, not superficial attributes like popularity or economic status.
- Before you consider someone a friend, make sure dependability is evident. It could be that you were chosen for your status and are in a position to be used, not cherished.
- Akin to value systems, your friends should have the capability and courage to offer sound advice. If someone tells you only what you want to hear, that’s not a friend. That’s an echo chamber with vocal chords.
Now, Tony appears to be directing his advice to parents so they can advise their children. However, friends are every bit as important in adulthood as childhood. Perhaps more so, since the consequences of a friend’s influence can lead to a ruined life. And that brings me to that type of friend.
The Danger of Slow Immersion into the Wrong Crowd
Part of the problem with being raised to have good manners is that we don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. We want to befriend everyone, or almost everyone, on some level. The issue is that not everyone deserves our friendship, even if they don’t lead overtly immoral lives.
Long ago and far away, I began keeping company with someone who seemed nice and who treated me well–at least initially. The problem was, apart from complications months later, that his culture was not my culture. He drank to excess and eschewed involvement in a church community, among other incompatibilities. Live and let live, and all that, but after a while, that became my normal. That was not, however, who I wanted to be. It just crept up on me, given the person I was spending my time with.
The Upside of Amazing Friends
In the last five-plus years, I’ve had the good fortune to volunteer with a group of intelligent and compassionate people from whom I have learned much. While we do not all agree on every little thing, we share core values. In large part, they are responsible for my ever-increasing intellectual curiosity, my compassion for wild things, and my amazement at the natural world.
Along a parallel path, I joined a church a few years ago that reminds me of my home church in West Tennessee. That is, the sweetness of the people, the doctrine, and the size. They remind me of who I was raised to be, and that helps me to stay between my theological guardrails. My church family makes me better. Are they perfect? No. They’re human. But they’re perfectly suited to nurturing my faith.
My Two Nickels (since pennies are out of favor now)
You probably knew everything you just read, aside from the personal details. But are you applying your knowledge? I ask because I knew all my talking points in the 80s, but didn’t use them. Here’s the thing. Well, two things.
- Casual acquaintances sometimes aren’t good fits and aren’t ultimately friend material. Nonetheless, if you frequently share time with them, you may pick up their habits through unconscious assimilation. Sometimes that works to your benefit, but not always.
- Friendships often begin as casual relationships. Sadly, just like perishable groceries, they aren’t returnable. You have to keep up the farce of a relationship or risk insulting someone by admitting you don’t think the effort is worth it.
On the flip side, this isn’t all about what friends can do for us. What do we bring (take?) to the table? Good friendships require nurturing, no matter how close you feel to the other party, and no matter how much the other party loves you. These relationships are too valuable to lose through neglect. We have to ask ourselves whether we can hold up our end of the bargain. While others are supporting us and hopefully steering our behavior in a positive direction, we have a reciprocal obligation. Friendships are a two-way street, and they can be a smooth ride only when well-tended.
Good Topic. My observation is that common interests initiates friendship process. There is a very long list of things that can build on or deter from the relationship. That list is individual to each of us and programmed into us. It is not really something you think about or analyze. My biggest problem with my friends these days is that they are dying.
I have found real friends in people whose books I have read.
Real friends don’t have to see each other regularly but for sure keep in touch. They just continue where they left off when they meet again