Most of our assumptions have outlived their uselessness.― Marshall McLuhan
Did you know that our brains are like railroad tracks? According to relatively recent research, the neural paths are not set in stone. We don’t have to subject ourselves to the same expectations we’ve hauled around for years. I expect my experiences have been like many others, for good or evil. That is, I’ve been the target of bad behavior from some not-so-nice people, but also the beneficiary of extreme kindness from others. Changing my mind, literally changing it, could benefit my mental health, I think. More importantly, a change of attitude–or wiring–could improve interactions with people on a daily basis. Read on for a little story that illustrates my point.
backstory
Decades ago I traveled quite frequently across the country to do underwriting audits. I loved my job, a large part of which required reviewing underwriting files. Not kidding, and I always knew that the underwriters whose files I’d audit would be ever so glad to see our team arrive. Ok. That last part is probably a lie, but I did love the job.
During the bulk of those years I was also a single mother, and I shared an apartment with my teen-aged daughter, Connie. She had things to do and places to be, since she played basketball or softball, depending on the season. She also had a car. Of sorts. Her Nissan was better than a $100-ride, but not by much. And for those of you decades younger than I am–I’m not talking about an Uber ride, but the value of the vehicle.
Anyway, that being the case, I left my newer, more reliable car at home for her use when I traveled out of state. On one memorable occasion, I was headed to Portland, Oregon. Well, I was trying to head there.
Outbound
The morning began as many others did. I may have made French toast to tempt my daughter to a conscious state before I left. No, I didn’t always do that; sometimes it was bacon and eggs. What I do remember is that I left the apartment in plenty of time to reach the airline gate before the jet’s passenger door closed.
The first half of the drive was uneventful. The last half was a nightmare. The car’s well-used engine gasped and died somewhere along I-465 W, just a few miles from the Indianapolis airport parking lot. My 15 minutes of fame consisted of a traffic reporter describing my stalled car. Well, actually, Connie’s car, which was creating gawkers’ block. During rush hour.
And if that wasn’t enough of a headache, I had a flight to catch. My business attire–including pumps, of course–was not going to improve my walking speed of 3 MPH. Best case. The chance anyone would take the time to help was slim to none. That is, anyone without a siren and also without another place he had to go. But someone did.
In a Streetcar named desire, Tennessee williams wrote, "I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.”
Ironically, I have not counted on strangers, but they have come through for me. Over and Over.
After a few minutes that felt interminable, a very nice man stopped. This good Samaritan interrupted his commute to assist an imperfect stranger. The gentleman had a phone, and that was somewhat of a luxury for the early 90s. Bonus! He called the wrecker service and then waited with me until it arrived. That represented faulty assumption #1 and blessing #1.
A law enforcement officer did indeed join us. Then he went beyond his call of duty by offering to take me to the airport. And that’s what he did, once the wrecker had my car out of the way. That was faulty assumption #2, blessing #2.
I arrived at the gate within a hair’s breath of the door being slammed shut and sealed. Made it to my seat without any glares, and I didn’t expect that to happen. We’re up to faulty assumption #3, blessing #3. Well, perhaps 3 & 4, since this was well before September 2001. I would never have gotten through security and to the gate in time if the trip had been in this century.
On to Portland I flew with my co-workers. I don’t remember anything about the audit, but I remember a great deal about the return.
Almost home again
The connecting flight was in St. Paul and I had to make a call before boarding. Since the clunker was still in the shop, I needed a ride home. A dear friend had volunteered to supply said ride, but when I called to confirm the plans, she had bad news. Her toddler was sick and my friend couldn’t leave her house.
This chink in my fragile plans created more angst than it deserved. I was in a seriously foul mood when I checked in for the 2nd leg of my journey. My responses to the gate agent were likely cheeky, at best. This memory stuck with me because of what came next.
While I was sitting in the waiting area, the gate agent who provided my ticket came over and asked to see it again. I am ashamed to say that I was borderline rude, and for no reason other than worries about an auto repair bill and a transportation challenge. Small issues, in the scheme of things. The gentleman returned my ticket and shortly thereafter I boarded the plane.
Smackdown
On my way down the aisle to my seat, I glanced at my ticket again and noticed that it was in the first class section. Trust me when I tell you that as wonderful as my employer was, first class tickets were not in scope. I made my way back toward the cockpit, wriggling through the bodies like a salmon headed upstream.
When I reached a flight attendant and told her my ticket wasn’t reflecting the right seat, she headed to the cockpit, then returned quickly. She said, and I quote, “Captain wanted to make the rest of your day better.” This brings us to faulty assumption #4 (it was the Captain, not a gate agent, who asked to see my ticket at the gate. SMH), blessing #5.
I almost cried. This kindness was completely unexpected and oh, so unmerited. My behavior had been abominable and it was repaid with mercy.
How many times do we need to learn the lesson not to rush to judgment? How many people must offer me gracious views of the human race before I begin to assume good intent and default to responding with charity, even in stressful situations? When will I change my mind? I can’t answer that question.
You?
Great blog! I’ve been blessed with kindness from strangers over the years. I’m on a mission to pay it forward.
And you’re doing a great job, as far as I can tell.
I have to constantly remind myself that the .1% of people
Who vex me, do not outweigh the 99.9% who are kind. And so often like myself the 0.1% are just having a bad day.
Mark and I were talking about this the other day. Unfortunately, it’s the .1% that we usually remember. I’ll have to work on that.
Yep, my favorite Twain quote is, “It ain’t what you don’t. know that gets you in trouble, it’s what you know that ain’t so”
There’s a lot of that going around. 😉