Your assumptions are your windows on the world. Scrub them off every once in a while, or the light won’t come in. ~
This is going to be a bit of a rant on both sides of the argument. Feel free to play along. You have likely experienced similar challenges.
Comments and [rhetorical] questions I've felt compelled to field.
Tell me what you really think. As I rarely beat around the bush, this is maddening. Is it intended to be humorous? Or rather to encourage me to apply sugar more liberally? And on occasions you don’t say this to me, do you assume that I’m espousing someone else’s opinion?
You’re not from around here, are you? Actually, I am. Do you say that because I use proper grammar and my conversational skills exceed the monosyllabic level? Perhaps you have misconceptions about my home state?
I know you come from a good place. Translated: You don’t know what you’re talking about, but I don’t think you meant to be offensive.
I’ve only received this comment once, fortunately. My internal response was, “Perhaps there are a few facets of my history which make me quite capable of participating in this discussion. I won’t embarrass you by commenting further.” I didn’t vocalize a retort, because I couldn’t think of a civil way to make one. Sadly. Because that one still bothers me.
Issues with assumptions
In each of the above scenarios, I knew how I felt when receiving the comments. What I didn’t know was how the speaker felt, or what that person intended by the comments (as illustrated in a previous blog). Let’s take the first one, which I have heard on multiple occasions, and most often from people who know me well. Perhaps the “tell me what you really think” is an attempt at humor. Never funny to me, but that’s a personal problem.
On the other hand, perhaps the speaker is telling me to calm down, that my passion for the topic is excessive. Would I like that any better? Probably not, but at least I’d understand the message.
As to “not from around here,” my visceral response is not fair. I was born in Tennessee, but have lived in four other states, three of them in the midwest. One was farther south than TN, but the city I lived in had a large transient population, so not exactly a southern drawl stronghold. All that said, I have lost most of the dialect that was a part of me until 1987. That’s the year I moved out of Tennessee. Maybe not everyone can hear the remnants. Impossible to know, so I just need to get over myself.
When it comes to “coming from a good place,” I have a hard time seeing the other side of this one. And there lies the rub. The comment seemed to have only one intent and that was to put me in my place: awareness that I am ignorant of the problems endured by others. Well, yes, as a matter of fact, I am.
Who on earth actually understands any other person’s trials? Can we ever be completely empathetic? To illustrate – I have lost friends due to cancer. This does not mean I understand how others feel, exactly, when a friend dies. I have a grasp of the grief level, but that’s it. Should that discourage me from offering support? I think not. It would be wise to remember that the burdens we carry have been carried by others, even though the experience may have been different.
But "They" may make assumptions, too
On the flip side, I have annoyed a few people myself. Some unintentionally. One that I remember vividly was just a few months ago. I was at my volunteer post and noticed a family gathered for a snack on the hillside. They were unwrapping chips and beef jerky and other tasty, salty treats–all wrapped in plastic. I troll for trash every volunteer day, and walked over to ask if I could take care of theirs for them. This offer was not received as intended, but rather as an implication that they were planning to litter. Oh, boy.
It is so easy to focus on how another person’s comments make us feel. It is equally easy to forget that we are making impressions–for good or evil–every time we open our mouths. Just because we “mean well” doesn’t guarantee the receiver will get a warm fuzzy. Am I suggesting that we apply a high-gloss coat of varnish onto every word? Of course not. That would make me the worst kind of hypocrite.
What I am saying is that we should assume good intent until and unless the reverse is verified. Perhaps I can work on that in 2023.
You?
I agree, that is an admirable aim. My wife says I assume the worst in people. At work, I am
Always in the look out for the next infraction and I am
Exhausted by the end of
The day. I make the excuse that my training as a pilot in both the military and commercial area have groomed me to always be on the look out for the next problem. I do believe That while necessary in many situations , it is built upon fear and egocentricity. Being open to others and assuming the best from
Them requires me to
Be vulnerable. I believe the possibilities are endless once I walk away from self.
True, but that can be a tough pivot. Thanks for your thoughtful comments.