When you choose an action, you choose the consequences of that action. ~ Lois McMaster Bujold
No real crime talk is scheduled for today, and not necessarily punishment. However, consequences can feel like punishment. Sometimes I look back at a less than entertaining episode in my history and consider the unfairness of the situation and the total lack of mercy by the adjudicator. Poor me. Other times I get honest and take the L. Not the loss. The Lesson.
First, the Loss aka Consequences
Before I proceed, let me disabuse you of any notion that I am referring to parenting. Nope, this reflection starts further along and has nothing to do with at-home discipline. Either of my siblings can tell you that I was a total wimp and rarely incurred any family member’s wrath, so I don’t have much to work with on that front. It’s more about school and work.
- 1st grade – our teacher gave the class an assignment that I didn’t understand. Instead of asking her for additional direction, I asked the little girl next to me what we should do. She gave me the lowdown to the best of her ability. I got a big fat zero on my paper.
- 6th grade – the teacher was walking around asking questions, and she finally asked one I could answer. I threw my hand up, not realizing she was, by that time, standing directly behind me. Yes. I slapped her upside the head. I don’t remember what came next.
- 10th grade – my homeroom teacher was the high school football coach. He loved his football boys and ignored their infractions. Me? Not so much. I gave him plenty of ammo, to be fair. Eye-rolling and all other manner of attitude. One day he’d had enough and called me into his office for a chat. I was impertinent then, too. My next report card reflected an F in general conduct. I was devastated, because I badly wanted to be inducted into the Beta Club the following fall.
- 10th grade (again) – yet another teacher, English this time. Those types were usually a good fit, but this one got picky on the midterm grading and deducted 10 or 15 points when I paraphrased two poems instead of just one, as the exam directions indicated.
You may have some of these seemingly inconsequential narratives, too. But the memories are over 50 years old. How trifling could those examples be if they made that much of a mark?
And the Lessons - What Makes Them "Take"?
As so often happens, the answer is, “it depends”. Here’s what I learned from the Mental Health Center of San Diego. First, if the person who commits a “violation” then loses something of value, the odds are better that the offending behavior will cease. But there are factors that heavily influence the possibility.
Negative punishment works more effectively than negative reinforcement. I’ll be honest. I had never heard of these phrases before. In basic terms, this means that depriving the perpetrator (if I may use that perjorative) of an anticipated pleasure is more painful than receiving a traditional punishment. Think missing out on the ability to leave school/work early as opposed to being assigned more work to complete. The experts believe the punishment selection matters. Not just the punishment/reinforcement choice, but also, the perceived value of the loss by person who’s on the receiving end.
Also important are consistency and fairness. Even in situations involving adults who need a course correction, both of these characteristics impact continuing adherence to preferred behavior. If the pain isn’t distributed the same way to each individual for the same “crime”, a person could come away from the experience feeling more like “poor me” than like “I need to change”. Or, worse, how can I continue repeating the offense but avoid the blowback?
One more thing. The chance of behavioral change increases when the miscreant can easily see the connection between actions and outcomes. That is, the quicker the kick, the more of an impression it makes.
And About My Own Ability to Learn ...
Trust me. I’ve had plenty of opportunities, and the penny [still] doesn’t always drop immediately. Sometimes repeated doses of heavy disappointment are necessary to penetrate my sensitive yet thick scalp. I’ve written about a few of these in other posts–one about communication and another about cockiness, which does feed into consequences. Seriously. As to the situations mentioned earlier in this post, results were mixed.
- Asking the wrong person for advice. I’d like to think I’m better about that. Skepticism helps.
- Situational awareness. Definitely better, but that 6th-grade experience was a low bar.
- Attitude displays. Needs improvement. As an aside, the coach’s contract wasn’t renewed; the administration didn’t like him either, I guess. Oh, and I did make Beta Club.
- Taking direction. Lesson learned, for the most part–when it matters.
The last bullet says it all. When it comes to consequences, what matters most is how much they hurt. If a punishment doesn’t feel fair, I can rationalize my behavior and make excuses for myself. But when correction is delivered without undue emotion or any perceived intent to injure, it cuts like a Wüsthof and leaves a mark. So it was with the genesis for this post topic. In my “mug shot” above, only one of the infractions is relevant. I used to talk too much in the school library and had my name taken numerous times in elementary school. I don’t recall the penalty in grades one through three, but in the fourth grade, it meant I missed recess. That is, I had to stay inside and write pages in the dictionary while the rest of the class was playing outside.
What was intended as busy work gave me a love for words and a decent vocabulary. I acknowledge that most of us would rather sail through life without others’ commentary or interference. Perhaps, on occasion, those hiccups can be genuinely appreciated as opportunities for improvement. I think the great Winston Churchill would have agreed, based on this quote attributed to him: Criticism may not be agreeable, but it is necessary. It fulfills the same function as pain in the human body. It calls attention to an unhealthy state of things.
I’m confident he absorbed enough barbs to grasp the concept.
I learned a lot from this one. About you and general stuff. I agree we get more from criticism than from compliments. If I have a tough skin life gets more livable. Like it or not. Good article
I really do not take what some would consider criticism as anything other than another person’s opinion. They are entitled to be wrong. If I think their perspective has merit, I can choose to incorporate it or not. If another person offers their perspective, it is a good thing. There is no worse insult than to be ignored.
You probably have not been ignored very often. Just guessing.
Sometimes you can err too far in the direction of avoiding consequences and then you don’t build confidence. I think I was a Casper Milk Toast growing up.
Sometimes you can err too far in the direction of avoiding consequences and then you don’t build confidence.