In a few seconds, we judge another person and think we know them. When the person we’ve lived with the longest, we still don’t know very well—ourselves. ~ Brain Drain The Breakthrough That Will Change Your Life
How many roles do you fill? Child, sibling, cousin, employee, or spouse. We could go down that path for ages, but let’s agree you have many faces. If you’re anything like me, you present yourself differently depending on the company you’re keeping. Perhaps you have different-sized pores in the filter you use for different conversations. That’s natural and wise.
In each instance, though, are you exposing only a portion of yourself? And what about the whole? Do you know yourself that well? I ask this because I am still getting to know “me.”
When we’re young, we ricochet off one required activity or another: our parents’ plans for us, school, church, work, or family. Wash and repeat. There may not have been much time in the schedule for introspection. Or maybe unraveling your personal psyche isn’t a priority. Fair enough. If so, this post isn’t for you. If, however, you want to think about that, read on.
Way back on the day I turned six, my mother decided to give me a birthday party. She invited little girls to come over for front-yard games, and perhaps other activities. That is, I’m telling you I’m not sure what else she had in mind. I don’t even have any idea whether they brought presents or if there was cake. I took one look at the crowd (probably fewer than 10 children) and ran into the house. And cried. That is my first memory of anxiety induced by the mere presence of others. There have been a plethora since. The anxiety-induced memories, that is, not the parties. No more birthday parties. My mother didn’t need that kind of negative reinforcement more than once. In fairness, neither of us could have anticipated my reaction. (Still, my apologies to my mother for going to the trouble and getting absolutely no gratitude for her efforts.)
I have always felt comfortable in professional situations. There may have been exceptions, but only if I wasn’t prepared for a meeting, interview, or training session, whatever the case may have been. On the other side of the equation, I have almost always felt awkward in social settings, especially those including large numbers of other humans. How did I account for that? Not at all. Didn’t question the reason behind my reactions until I read a book called Quiet: The power of Introverts in a World that Can’t Stop Talking.
The idea of being in a place this crowded, perhaps for hours, is almost enough to make my breath stop. For others, it looks like a great time.
Which are you?
In Ms. Cain’s book, she addresses the characteristics of introverts and explains some of their more obvious behaviors. These are among the qualities that mirror my own:
- Require a lot of time alone. I don’t know if this is because I want to control my environment or if it’s something else. I do know that some might think I’m aloof. I don’t think I’m aloof, but I am very much into self-preservation. Sometimes I just need a few minutes to myself.
- Find time spent in crowds exhausting. My husband feels energized by visiting cities. I do like seeing them, but I’d prefer it on IMAX. When we have visited overseas, I love to see the villages but pretty much exist in panic mode in London, for example.
- Prefer to reflect on options rather than making snap decisions. Occasionally I have had feedback that I look stern (angry?) when I am, in fact, thinking. Perhaps when I am in deep thought I appear too intense to approach.
- Enjoy solitary activities, such as writing, reading, and blowing soap bubbles. Ok. the last one is just me. Watching soap bubbles floating in the wind, especially across the water, is mesmerizing. I can spend hours sitting on the porch keeping flames alive in the fireplace, and I’m perfectly happy reading all day. Alone. If my husband is beside me reading, that’s ok, too. I just don’t always need extended conversations to make me feel alive.
There are different points on the introversion spectrum. (I assume there are for extroverts as well. I haven’t gotten into y’all’s business; you’ll need to research that for yourself.) Not every introvert is the same. But know this, being introverted doesn’t mean I, as an introvert, am shy. I’m not afraid to meet people, but I do need to prepare myself mentally if I’m going to be dropped into the middle of a few dozen highly energized individuals–especially if I don’t know them already. That environment simply isn’t my happy place.
I can’t speak for other introverts, but I do enjoy time with friends. In small gatherings. Planned ahead. You might want to consider who among your group of acquaintances could fit into this category. It could explain a few things. (You can learn more about Ms. Cain’s ideas by listening to her highly informative and entertaining Ted Talk.)
If you’re still with me, you may be asking yourself why you should care to know what makes you tick. And what makes your clock stop. I will just give you the one that matters to me. I want to know what my parameters are before I allow myself to be drawn into a situation that will make me miserable. And make the people around me think I’m entirely anti-social. Perhaps I shouldn’t care so much, but I do.
You?
Growing up and thru my early career, I thought I was an introvert. During first 20:years of married life I thought my wife was the outgoing one, comfortable in social settings, after all she was a minister and that was what she did. After almost 42 years of marriage And the end of two great careers and the beginning of a volunteer third one, I realize, just the opposite to be true. Fact for me was twofold. First, I was lazy in social situations. She shined and I was perfectly ok with her being the front( person). I also realize that While I was reluctant to voluntarily enter social situations, when forced to do so; as I was in my roles as Instructor pilots both in the military and at FedEx; I went in full force, with preparation and exuberance. I thought this was an overcompensation for fear, but later I realized, it was what I truly loved. Now as. VIP. I am in my element. I discover I like people more than I thought, even though a few get to me. And I enjoy challenges. My kids say I have FOMO( fear of missing out). Perhaps this needs more investigation. My biggest challenge now, which is often exemplified in my interp is an overflow of information. ( Much like this response here). I need to learn less is more. Moment of zen was yesterday in my readings on the teachings of Marcus Aurelius.
It revolves around the differences between sophists and stoic. Sophists, thrive on praise. They seek to impart wisdom to say, look at what I know and you don’t. Stoics love truth and embrace humility. They speak to help others improve themselves and achieve both wisdom and virtue. I so desire to be a stoic. My fear is the former.
Ah, Walt. It takes a long time to get to know the person you are. Clearly. As to your point about knowledge and interp interactions – I know exactly what you mean. Some people just want the Reader’s Digest version, and I am so enthusiastic about Cove topics I may be force-feeding occasionally. Possibly. Probably. I need to work on that. 😉
I am probably an introvert. I enjoy solitude. I prefer people watching over people engaging. I get antsy to get off the phone with my chatty friend, etc. but as I have gotten older I am less likely to keep my mouth shut regarding issues that are important to me.
I don’t think being introverted means you don’t speak your mind. You would enjoy Ms Cain’s book, I think. I think it elaborates on more characteristics than I mentioned.