I’ve got a bad case of the 3:00 am guilts – you know, when you lie in bed awake and replay all those things you didn’t do right? Because, as we all know, nothing solves insomnia like a nice warm glass of regret, depression and self-loathing. ~ Dying Bites
I would say that the above quote reflects my thoughts exactly, but that would be a lie. For me, the window of opportunity for lambasting myself is about 10:30 to 11:00 p.m. If that day’s behavior [mine] falls short of my expectations, my brain does its all-fired best to drag up every thoughtless word uttered, every smirk expressed, and every selfish decision I’ve made in the last decade. Or several decades. You know, just to impress upon myself how very imperfect I am. As if I hadn’t already established that on prior occasions.
Since I’m well aware that I’m a typical human, I doubt I’m the only one who occasionally struggles with finding a balance between “I’m okay” and “lost count of bullet points for improvement opportunities.” Why do we do that? Should we stop or should we encourage those brutal self-audits?
What does current culture say?
This will be short:
- Don’t should yourself, or variations on that theme.
- Focus on your self-care.
Perhaps I’m being excessively harsh when I say that we are loving ourselves a little too much these days. Certainly, we need to nurture our mental and physical health. Where I part ways with this initiative, if that’s the right label, is where a person is so self-absorbed, so consumed with not shoulding, that the needs of others are disregarded. That doesn’t seem to be a path that leads to a more civilized society, but my relatively strict upbringing may be talking here. I’m good with that.
On to more objective voices.
What does a professional say?
Several sources I referenced did indeed express a need to control self-criticism. Why does that bother me? Am I wrapped too tight?
Anyway, one of them was a site called Explorable. As with so many of our behaviors, our habit of nit-picking our own actions begins in childhood. The author, psychologist Liya Panayotova, suggests that one cause might be highly critical parents, but that cultural influences might also factor in. However, she additionally states that our “inner critic” appears early in life and that some of us exaggerate the demands made on us by family and society. So, in that regard, we might be our own worst enemies except for one other explanation Panayotova offers.
She believes that people who set almost unattainable standards for themselves may be pre-emptively defending themselves from the criticism of others. That is, if you gauge your behavior before someone else does, perhaps their criticism won’t hurt so much.
And a little from science
From a a site that explores Neuro-Linguistic Programming (think of it as understanding how your brain works), Pegasus NLP, we see some reinforcement of Panayotova’s ideas, but also some advice to those of us who have a habit of excessive self-auditing. Here are the potential consequences:
- Reduction in your
- Level of optimism
- Self-confidence/self-esteem
- Deteriorating level of production, as a lowered level of confidence will make you second guess your decisions.
Pegasus goes on to relate constant self-criticism to hypnosis. After multiple repetitions, we believe what we are hearing–from ourselves. What we need is a more realistic perspective. That is, none of us are going to be perfect, so why can’t we just forgive ourselves, understand what we need to do better next time, and just move on? Or, to quote Chip Beck, “Pain and suffering are inevitable in our lives — but misery is an option.”
And then?
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with my late night review of my day, except that mine usually ends up being one-sided, with me as the villain. Why don’t I spend that time thinking about all the perfectly spelled words and the perfectly placed commas? Tongue in cheek there, but you take my meaning.
Somehow we (I’m including y’all here) must find a way to acknowledge where we fouled up, but also remember that it’s equally important to give the good stuff its due. It’s appropriate to give ourselves a pat on the back when it’s merited. Jordan Peterson, in a Mondays of Meaning email (12-11), said it better. “Have confidence in what you have managed to accomplish, the kind of confidence that would instill you with a genuine sense of self despite your fundamental inadequacy.”
Life is full of forks in the road, and some days it’s hard to tell which ones are straight and narrow. Fortunately, once we see we’ve taken a wrong turn, re-directing our way is always an option. Maybe our self-audits should have a moderation-in-all-things approach, but would we still hold ourselves accountable to the degree that we should? Would granting ourselves some grace encourage us to consistently improve or would we simply slack off? I don’t know.
You?
Another great blog, Gayle. I do a self-audit every night as part of my meditation and prayer before I end my day. I am my worst critic but I always try to end my self-audit by finding something that I did that day to make me say to myself that “in the end, I did okay.” Incidentally, that is the last line of my song about self-reflection, which I mentioned to you last time I saw you. 😊
Now that you mention it, I DO remember you telling me about your follow-up-with-a-positive. And I believe I heard that song, too. Yes? Anyway, good plan. I need to lay down the cat-o-nine-tails and try more smiley stuff. Glad you enjoyed the post.