It is a narrow mind which cannot look at a subject from various points of view. ~ George Eliot, Middlemarch
It has been my experience that when a friend tells me a story, I tend to adopt her–or his–perspective. Whoever was the “bad” guy in the story continues to be the villain in my mind, too. Once the scene is set, it doesn’t change. In many cases it probably shouldn’t, but there are those situations where it’s a good idea to look around the corner, as it were. Yes, I know. It’s been less than a year since I published another post about perspective, but that one dealt with understanding ourselves, not others.
Let me tell you a story
Most of you are familiar with the parable of the prodigal son, even if you aren’t religious in the least. Just in case you missed it, though, here’s a micro-version of Luke 15:31-32: A rich man had two sons, and one had a premature itch to receive his inheritance and hightail it out of town. His father acquiesced. The kid plowed through his assets in short order and crawled back to his father to ask for a job, if not forgiveness. The father welcomed him as though he was a hero returning from the wars. The older brother took issue. Big time.
The focus of this story is the great love the father has for his wayward son and the joy he experiences at his son’s return. The boy had behaved in a reprehensible manner, as the culture of the time would have viewed his request for his inheritance as tantamount to wishing his father dead. Not ok. The offer of forgiveness and a spontaneous celebratory party would have been unexpected–probably to both sons.
The older son is always pictured as aloof or sulky or openly hostile to what he sees before him. I freely admit that until I read Henri J.M. Nouwen’s The Return of the Prodigal Son, I didn’t have much sympathy. But the younger son wasn’t a prize, either. Surely he was arrogant and inconsiderate, at least at the time he left home, right?
While volumes have been written on each character relative to spiritual/faith implications, there’s plenty to absorb on the secular side. At least from my perspective, and that’s what this post is about.
If you *were* the older brother, would your perspective change?
Well, that’s a tough question, isn’t it? Putting ourselves into someone else’s position can be tricky. It certainly can be for me. For good or evil, I have a strong sense of fairness, and I tend to get a bit fired up when the scales appear to be tipped. But if I did put myself into that role, this would probably be my story:
My brother insulted our father by pressuring him to split his assets, then he took off to who-knows-where and burned through a bucketload of cash. I’ve been on the farm the whole time, and what did I get for it? Three squares and a room–just like our servants. SMH. Nobody made him leave; nobody made him waste his money and ruin his health. He got what he deserved–until he came back, anyway.
Okay. The brother wouldn’t have said it that way, but that might have been representative of his feelings. Here’s the thing. We don’t know what either of those young men were thinking. Was the younger truly repentant? Ashamed? Intent on making amends? Was the elder simply pitching a little hissy at the unexpected arrival of his spoiled brother, one that he would recover from quickly, or were there deep-seated, long-term familial resentments?
If you need a clue about this photo gallery's purpose, let me know. Sigh.
How do we change our point of view?
Based on an article by Psychology Compass, seeing an issue from a perspective other than your own requires an actual physiological switching of gears. Humans have different levels of brain operations, and the one that views the “not me” side is executive functioning. So we literally (in its traditional meaning) have to use a different part of our brains to consider a set of circumstances in 2nd or 3rd person. Follow the link to learn the technical terms, which I fear would add no practical help here.
However, the piece does emphasize that mentally walking a mile in someone else’s shoes does improve the ability to mirror others (useful in conversations) and build stronger bonds. I don’t believe there’s a downside to that, but it can be difficult even apart from the fairness issue. Why? Because to see things another way, we have to want to. If we are entrenched in our position–or just don’t care much for the individual who has a different view–putting ourselves into a hypothetical scenario is a challenge. That is, if there’s bad blood between you and someone who has suffered a series of unfortunate events, it is all too easy to exult rather than sympathize. Human nature, I think.
A last word about perspective
I am not one of those people who think there are three sets of facts: yours, mine, and the truth. I do think that there are factors that impact opinions and the conclusions people draw. As an example, a few weeks ago snow was predicted for East Tennessee. Some people, even a few I call my friends, were deliriously happy at the thought of a few inches of ice crystals hampering the ability to walk and drive motorized vehicles safely. As for me, if I only ever see snow at a distance or on the pages of National Geographic, I’ll be fine. Same facts. Different perspective. Back to the prodigal.
I recently viewed a Ted Talk done by Heather Hansen on perspective and how it can outperform empathy. Hadn’t heard of that one, but the examples she cited were legit. Here’s why. Empathy involves more than a modicum of emotion, and that can cloud thinking. Perspective, on the other hand, shifts the view, and that movement can lead to conflict resolution. Maybe if we excise emotion from what we perceive as problems, we can see all sides more clearly. And maybe that will lead to a solution – or at least an agree-to-disagree.
Worth a shot?
My ROTC professor at Memphis State University would make us take the side of the debate that we were against. Brought us out of our comfort zone and forced empathy. Always a challenge but I try to this day to look at all sides.
It ain’t what I don’t know that hurts me; it’s what I think I know that just ain’t so.
Attributed to
Mark Twain
Curious as to whether you ever had a topic where you simply couldn’t see the other side well enough to debate. Also, the quote is one of my brother’s favorites. I like it, too, and I always try to remember that other people also think they know something that they don’t. 😉
Such good insight! Dealing with some of these issues right now – trying to get my kids to see “the other side”!
Deanna
Yeah. Go with God on that one. It’s hard enough to make myself do that, never mind offspring who might have a hard time looking at me as an adult. For real.