There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate. ~
I don’t think I’d go that far. Maybe salt-and-vinegar potato chips, but not chocolate. Nah, not even chips. Friends offer comfort that can’t be found in food.
I recently had the opportunity to spend a long afternoon with an old friend, and I cannot express the value of those hours. We hadn’t “caught up” in years, and that time was more satisfying than any I can remember–at least since the last time I got deep into the weeds with other peeps. That most recent visit led me to this topic.
Science has an opinion--let's go there first.
In a June 1, 2023, article, the American Psychological Association published thoughts from a variety of sources, and I am sharing but a few observations. People with close friends are:
- Less likely to suffer from depression.
- Less likely to die from any cause – including heart disease and a number of other chronic diseases.
On the other hand, people without this support system don’t fare as well, being more likely to face a premature death. Now psychology is squishy, in my opinion. I’m skeptical about findings that don’t have a solid foundation. However, this article draws on multiple studies that explore how friendships affect both the body and the brain of our remarkably fragile species.
Here is a direct quote about one specific study: “People with no friends or poor-quality friendships are twice as likely to die prematurely, according to Holt-Lunstad’s meta-analysis of more than 308,000 people—a risk factor even greater than the effects of smoking 20 cigarettes per day.” That’s a lot of nicotine. If a long, healthy life is the goal, isolation and a lack of meaningful friendships are its antithesis.
From business connections
Through extreme good fortune, I worked for the same company for more than three decades. Yes, there were buyouts, and my paycheck didn’t always have the same payor name. But I had connections to many of the same people from the time I started in July 1987 until I retired in January of 2021. Apart from having an advantage in knowing where the bodies were buried, metaphorically, my support group for technical and standard practice questions spanned across the entire United States. Dozens of them are close acquaintances, and some I count as very dear friends.
Commonalities increase the likelihood of forging bonds with others, and working together on the same team, especially, creates opportunities for learning and trusting people you rely on to do their jobs and support you in yours. I can’t speak for other industries, but insurance seems to be one that most people would rather avoid understanding altogether. This makes coworkers even more likely to become confidants, as family members don’t “get” it. And to be honest, some of those 34 years included weeks I interacted significantly more with my team members than I did with my family members.
And the "all other" category
Well before I knew most of the people I hang with now, I made friends in my hometown. I was blessed to live there and grow up with most of the same people from 1st grade through my senior year. Naturally, I have maintained contact with only a small percentage of my class, but I share a lot of history with a few (Freddie from first grade and Barbara from junior high come to mind). We can laugh about things no one else knows about and share grief that someone else might not understand.
Since retirement, I have enjoyed opportunities to choose volunteer activities, and one of those has yielded a magnificent crop of bright, compassionate acquaintances. All are generous with their time and talents. I have spent more time with some than others, and those are now like family. As with work, similar experiences and shared responsibilities build trust. In my volunteer capacity, it builds more than that – admiration. I work with so many people who have such a wide variety of gifts that I do not have, and their talents continually broaden my perspective.
At church, the bond is different, but it works the same way. We have a common goal; we learn from one another, and the ones I have gotten to know well have become friends. In full disclosure, having the same sense of humor helps, no matter the situation. Speaking of, that takes me back to the American Psychological Association article.
Back to science, briefly
Two things I found fascinating. One is that neuroscientists have found that when the brain activity of one person is similar to that of another, they are more likely to become friends. For example, when sensory responses are the same at the same time while watching the same video, you know people at least have that much in common. Perhaps I have only as much to do with choosing my friends as my genetic coding dictates.
The other thing, and this is big, is that stress levels drop when you are around people who are supportive. Quite often, those people are your friends, not necessarily a romantic interest. There can be baggage with the latter–less with a platonic friendship. In any case, this correlates to the fact that people with friends live longer, healthier lives, on average. When we have a shoulder to cry on or someone who celebrates our victories with enthusiasm, we not only feel better, we are actually improving our physical and mental health.
I'm so glad we had this time together
Your experience may be different than mine, but whenever I reconnect with friends I haven’t seen in months or years, I experience a lift in my spirits that nothing else seems to replicate. Relief that we’re “still here” may be a component. Perhaps another is simply time forcing us to release anything other than the positive aspects of friendship.
Whatever the reason, I treasure my old friends. And in the spirit of recognizing that tomorrow isn’t promised, I’m redefining my definition of old friends to include anyone who’s put up with me for more than a year. People in that category are on the I’m-eternally-grateful list. If you’re on it, you’re stuck with me, and it’s your own fault. Because of you, I’m smarter, healthier, and I’m shooting for 100.
