Tough experiences make you learn

We do not learn from experience… we learn from reflecting on experience. ~John Dewey

Most of us do things, or avoid doing things, based on prior experiences and that behavior begins early.  Toddlers don’t bang their heads against coffee tables too many times before they learn to back out lowly and slowly. When you were a teenager and you broke curfew, you probably hit the straight and narrow if your parents made your life unpleasant as a consequence. Wise decisions, in both cases.

But what if you had a one-time experience that dramatically changed how you view others?  I recall a relationship from years ago that inflicted long-term damage. I traveled a bumpy and convoluted road back to complete freedom from fear. For years I hit panic mode every time I saw a man with dark curly hair and glasses. Do you know how many men fit that description? A lot.

Apart from the emotional toll, I certainly missed opportunities. No doubt I met gentlemen who might have become great friends. That, and there is also no doubt that people observing my body language had to think I was bat-guano crazy. If you had been there, you might have observed me abruptly change direction, burst into tears, or start visibly trembling. All that, and there wasn’t a chance in 10,000 that I would see the miscreant again, given circumstances you don’t need to know right now.

Of course I learned from the experience of involving myself with someone who didn’t share my family’s priorities, faith, and generous nature. Any thinking person would have known the odds of that match were not winners. But that wasn’t the worst of it. He was very often drunk, often morose. Occasionally volatile. Sometimes threatening or worse.  

Are you wondering how on earth I would find and accept a prospect who so drastically differed from my culture? My family wondered, too, and a few of them weren’t shy about expressing their opinions. Many years after the nightmare was over, I finally told them that I had met he-who-will-not-be-named by answering a newspaper ad. Yes, decades before online dating was a thing, there were ads in printed documents that were delivered on a daily basis right to your door. I don’t remember now why I thought that method was a good plan, but the relationship did start out well. The ‘prospect’ was attentive and I was flattered. For the duration of our relationship, he thought he was a romantic, and occasionally he was. However, he was also controlling, frugal to the point of being stingy and had mood swings that would awe Sybil.

Isn’t that so often the way, though? Hindsight usually reveals itself to be better than foresight. At the time, I obviously wasn’t thinking with every gray cell I was born with. I was lonely and unhappy. That, and I really thought that having a partner would improve my financial situation, both for me and my children. I honestly thought that being alone was untenable. Eventually experience taught me differently.

That relationship literally came to a bitter end after two years that felt like two decades. I eventually crawled out of the hole I had dug for myself with a new appreciation for normalcy. The truth is, of course, almost every person who crosses my path is completely sane, and wishes me no harm. While I recognize that fact, I retain the level of wariness earned so long ago. Make no mistake; I remember the lesson. But I intentionally relegate the bad memories to the ash bucket—the same way a two-year old forgets the headache, but remembers how to avoid initiating another one.

On the flip-side, this kind of experience enhances your appreciation for normalcy–for a partner who is the same every day and exhibits no erratic behavior or anger issues. We don’t always notice behavior that is the diametric opposite of flamboyant. Why don’t we even observe the comfort it provides? Why do we take it for granted instead of relishing the peace and security it brings?

All adults have a history chock full of relationship and work issues. I believe, though, that the intelligent thing to do is to take what every experience can teach me and live like the lesson stuck.

You?