If you took one-tenth the energy you put into complaining and applied it to solving the problem, you’d be surprised by how well things can work out… Complaining does not work as a strategy. We all have finite time and energy. Any time we spend whining is unlikely to help us achieve our goals. And it won’t make us happier.”
~ The Last Lecture
Randy should know. He died of cancer the same year his book, “The Last Lecture”, was published. He knew as well as anyone the futility of complaining. Most of us grasp the concept, but seem incapable of controlling the impulse. Why?
Wiring is one reason
Well, maybe not now, but way back. The NIH tells us that paying attention to negative conditions contributed to survival.* That is, a friendly greeting was in no way life-threatening, but a low growl might well be. Being acutely aware of conditions that might shorten life was high on the priority list. This type of behavior, repeated over centuries, has led to negativity bias. You could say we got our head start with that approach for all the right reasons. We did evolve, though. *Yes, we should still be aware of negative conditions; they just aren’t intuitively obvious these days.
Even as far back as 1750 BC, people were making customer complaints. I’m not kidding. The British Museum has evidence of a customer’s “letter” written in cuneiform, according to The Honourable Middle Temple site. The customer was disputing the quality of the copper ore he had received. Recall that 3,000+ years ago, the tablets scribes used were not of the Apple variety. Those tablets were often clay, and people who could afford the luxury outsourced their “written” communication. I’m sure Nanni (the customer) was hoping for compensation. We might, as well, if given the same situation.
But are some personality types more likely suspects?
The short answer is “no”, according to a study done at the University of Portsmouth, “Do Personality Traits Predict ‘Complaining Customers’?” But people who score high in conscientiousness and are open to next experiences do. The researchers suggest that those who are confident, assertive, and feel they are in control of their lives are more likely to raise issues about product quality and pricing, for example. This makes sense. The study goes on to state that this group is more conscientious, organized, and hard-working. So, entitled to complain? Maybe they are. Here’s more.
- Bad customer service
- People who cut in line
- Traffic
- Telemarketers
- Feeling too cold or too hot, but people who are too cold are more likely to complain (Guilty)
- Litter and people who litter. (Guilty again)
- Recall negative interactions (during a given day) rather than positive ones.
- Take criticism more personally than we do praise.
- Think about negative events more often than positive ones.
- React more strongly to negative events than positive ones.
In addition to the list above, why complain?
Perhaps we’ve learned it pays to complain. If we have a bad experience at a restaurant and we mention it to the server, we may get dessert comped, for example.And of course grassroots efforts can persuade manufacturers and legislators to shift gears. There are, however, some not-so-obvious reasons and William Berry, in Psychology Today, explains a few.
When we complain/vent with friends, they are likely to pile on with us, and we feel validated. We also feel a connection with people who agree with us, and that strokes our egos as well. A biggie, however, is that complaining facilitates an emotional release, and we all need to let off steam occasionally. One more thing Berry mentioned is that when we vocalize a negative judgment of something or somebody, we get a chance to reconsider. That is, perhaps we feel better about some of our own opinions before we hear them out loud. So perhaps sharing negative observations is better with people you trust. You know, as a trial run.
Even with good reason, should we complain?
If Socrates were answering that question, he might have said yes, because he was attempting to effect change. He is credited with complaining about youth loving luxuries, having no respect for elders, and having “contempt for authority”, according to many sources. Still, an equal number say Socrates never said any such thing, or something to that effect. Ironically, he was supposedly poisoned for irreverence and corrupting youth. Everyone is a critic. Literally.
Still. We learn from M1 Psychology that humans complain, on average, 15-20 times a day. We have to think about the impact that has on relationships. Who wants to hear all that every single day? More importantly, complaining impacts our brains, and not in a good way. Perhaps a little complaining is good, but too much isn’t? Reportedly, excessive complaining reduces our ability to solve problems and impacts recall by shrinking the hippocampus. Not only that, but hearing someone else complain has the same physical effect, just like secondhand smoke.
Also, when synapses fire,* shooting thoughts from one side of the brain to another, the system works to shorten the journey. It builds bridges. This fosters patterns, which means that if we’re often negative, the chances of flipping the switch to a positive approach dwindle incrementally. *This is my take on the article, and my summary may not do it justice.
Once again, I am unable to answer the question I posed. Should we complain? Sometimes it is justified, I expect. Other times it is not, and we probably don’t want to renovate our brains to the point that our biggest complaint is the vitriol coming out of our mouths. I’ll be working on my output.
For me there is a difference between whining and complaining. The first releases tension and looks for validation, the second in my opinion is an action, assuming you complain to a higher authority in an attempt to rectify the incongruity. Whining all the time IMO is a plea for somone to fix it for you and doesn’t empower you. For me, I am guilty of both. I want to quote a Proverb but will refrain since it focuses on women and not men. Better to Live in a Dark corner of an Attic than with … well, I’ll stop there
Yeah, venting and whining are about the same, I think. Just need to get it out. I probably complain about litterers more than anyone else. Well, those people and the ones who cut me off in traffic. I can’t do anything about either. I think people who are chronic complainers are unhappy and may not even know what’s bothering them. Or perhaps they’ve just already re-wired their brains to negative bias, and they just can’t change the wiring.
Maybe that is why my previous table mate chose not to have conversations with me. I love to talk to my friends tho i love to enjoy a cheerful chat I don’t mind their “gettting off their chests” if something is bothering them. I see your point and choose not to hang around negative folks. Good Blog
I don’t mind friends venting either. Probably for all of us there’s a limit on the percentage of conversation that is only complaints. If the talk is never about ideas, travel, books, or plans, it makes you wonder just how unhappy someone is.
The most vehement complainer I know is an introvert, so there goes that stereotype. I love the Pausch quote; “my thoughts, exactly!” 🙂
I already knew introverts complain, because I do it. Sigh. It says something that I’m offended more by the fact that the researchers think introverts are less organized than extroverts than it would if they had said we complain a lot. Ha.
I learned from a friend how to handle annoying drivers. When you get cut off or tailgated, you just say out loud, “Bless their heart!” Somehow it makes me feel superior. 🙂
I occasionally do that, but I won’t lie. It isn’t always the first thing out of my mouth. Perhaps it should be. The tailgating thing, though. That’s dangerous. If I’m on a two-lane road (in the mountains, for example), I use a pull-off so they can just get around. Otherwise, I sometimes slow down even more so they can get around me, if possible.