“Well,” said Pooh, “what I like best,” and then he had to stop and think. Because although Eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn’t know what it was called.” ~ Winnie-the-Pooh
My husband and I are returning to Cornwall this year on a twice-delayed trip to visit family and take in the views of one of the most ruggedly beautiful places I’ve ever seen. No, nothing will replace my love for the mountains I see every day, but there’s something about the cliffs and the sea and the wildflowers that gets under my skin. That, and I love hearing British accents. Quite often I don’t understand all the words, but I love listening to conversations between folks born in the British Isles.
As the date for our departure approaches, the anticipation grows. I haven’t seen my dear friend Pat in about six years and it’s been even longer than that since we visited Cornwall. It’s high time we returned, and my list of must-do activities has gotten a bit out of control. This is the high side of anticipation.
However, there’s another side. That’s the one that sinks like a stone in the pit of your stomach. You know, when the person sitting behind you on the second [longer] leg of the flight bumps your seat repeatedly. Or worse, the person in front of you reclines the seat so far back you have someone else’s head suspended just under your chin. Or maybe the plane is delayed and you miss your connection. You finally arrive at your long-awaited destination, and rain is coming down in buckets.
It isn’t all going as you expected, and your spirits plummet. Well, they do unless you’re Eeyore and expected the very worst all along. Who wants to live like that? I mean, it’s annoying to listen to him braying on and on. The trick is to find a balance, to be able to walk the fine line between sweet anticipation and disappointment in plans gone awry.
As mentioned in a recent post about managing your happiness, your mood swings are up to you. Almost entirely. Consider the message from Lisa Feldman Barrett’s TedTalk [see video below]. Based on many credible studies, it appears that we are not pre-wired for certain emotions. To quote Ms. Barrett, we “build them” as we go. Our brains take cues from our environment to determine which emotional trigger to flip. The example she used was a situation when your stomach is churning. It could be that you were entering a bakery and expected to purchase cookies. So your stomach was preparing to be fed. Generously.
You could have a different reaction, though, if you were waiting in a hospital, adjacent to where a loved one was being treated. Same vocals from your innards, but with a different response entirely. Perhaps you felt sad; maybe you cried. We teach our brains which emotions should come next. Or, as Ms. Barrett puts it, “Emotions that seem to happen to you are made by you.”
Given that knowledge, can you view your disappointments in another light? Can I? It appears we are designing our own mood swings, odd as that sounds. To parrot Ms. Barrett, though, I’m not referring to anyone who has issues with depression. Rather, I’m thinking of those of us who don’t always manage life’s little potholes with the disdain they very often deserve. The potholes, not the people, to be clear.
There may well be another side to this equation that hasn’t been addressed. There’s always another perspective to consider. That said, perhaps I could work on re-training my three pounds of gray cells. You know, so that they still have capacity to generate the highs of anticipation, but don’t freak out over petty disappointments that I won’t remember two days later.
You?
The video is about 18 minutes long, and you might not want to make that time investment. I find it all incredibly intriguing, but I've been told before there's something "not right" about me. I understand if you take a pass. However, if you can, just watch the first five minutes. You'll see something you're not expecting, and most of you will learn something you didn't know.
In my not so humble opinion, a lot of the confusion goes away when you instantly recognize the difference between an expense and a problem. If it is a health issue, relationship issue or things you cannot make go away with money…..it is an expense……not a problem.
Something along these lines I try to remember and practice: Don’t elevate an inconvenience into a crisis. All it does is generate a whole bunch of unnecessary difficult emotions and hijacks all the good stuff.
I agree intellectually. It’s just that sometimes my initial emotions get in the way of my brain waves. 😉